Friday, November 12, 2010


Terrify.  That word (or the correct grammatical version of it) seems to be very common in these first few blogs.

Webster’s defines the word as:   “terrify vb:  fill with terror”.  They define terror as:  “terror n:  intense fear and panic or a cause of it”.

No wonder why I keep using versions of terrify in my blogs.  I love being a mother to my sons, but at some level, I am always terrified.

It started the moment I found out I was pregnant.  Every twinge was cause for panic, being afraid to sleep on my stomach, worried about whether or not I was eating the right things.

Teen Boy was premature by about 5 weeks.  He was a breech birth, but I did not need a caesarean.  I was 22 and knew nothing.  I was terrified.

I was on bedrest for 10 weeks with Tween Boy.  I was induced at 38 weeks because I was becoming preeclamptic.  Terrified.

Both boys had newborn jaundice and required light therapy, and Teen Boy got RSV at 4 months old and then for the next two years spent September-April in the ER once a month at a minimum without exception with bronchitis or pneumonia; several of these visits ended with admission for several days.  Then, there's all the ER visits for sutures that come with boys.  Tonsillectomy for Tween Boy when he was in Kindergarten.  I've lucked out (knocking on lots of wood right now) that we haven't had broken bones.  All of them, terrifying.

You are given this brand new life, a gift, and the hospital lets you take it home!  Without an instruction manual, without an expert.  Talk about terrifying.  Yes, I had babysat, and my husband was the eldest of six kids and also babysat.  We had a lot of experience with babies from days old; but the parents of those babies came home at some point.  You know, the experts.  This time, we were the parents!  No one was coming home to take over.  Terrified.

All those firsts.  First time on a bicycle, first time getting on the school bus, first time playing football, first time going away to Church or Scout Camp without us.  First time being away from them on vacation.  First girlfriend, first time behind the wheel of the car.  I know that when they go to college, I’ll be terrified too.

I’m really not a “scaredy-cat”.  I’m pretty brave most of the time. 

I guess the reason I get terrified so easily with my sons is that I want to make sure I am doing the best for them that I can.  I want to make sure that the gifts I was given are kept safe and secure. 

On the other hand, I also promised to help these gifts learn to love and enjoy and live the life they were given.  So, I must learn to calm my fears, and continue to push them toward the edge of that nest and prepare them to fly…so that they can soar.

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